Shrinking Universe

Listening to: Muse - Hullabaloo Soundtrack (thx Josh)

Yesterday afternoon D and I went for a walk on the neighborhood creek-side trail. We held hands and argued about where to live. He won't let me move further north since today he started a job in SF and is still considering @pp1e, who's even further south and has told him what they will offer, but hasn't made a formal offer yet because of some corporate bureaucracy.

He told me about telling a woman on the airplane about his life and how she said he's whipped. Then D and I argued about who gets what they want more. Of course he looks at just the past six months or so, and from a completely male perspective. I asked him if he felt like me seeing other people was me just getting what I want and him being afraid to say no. He always denies such things and if he's lying, I can't tell. If he's lying that'll be his lesson to learn.

When he's gone he misses me and wants to come home. When he comes home he's unhappy and blames me. He says he's happier when he's not around me. Of course that's his unhappiness with himself but I can't keep telling him that.

He doesn't mind my polyamory but he gets frustrated and angry that I won't keep moving everywhere he wants to move. He began to get mad that I had so much work to do yesterday, his first day back, and I had to remind him that I'm trying to make money and have a life like any normal person would.

I've lost touch with what's normal and expected in a relationship and I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I really am just being spoiled.

When he made me upset he wouldn't let go of my hand.

Maybe he's finally ready to do some of the emotional work. Or maybe he just knows he needs to because he feels me letting go.

Posted by Ari at 20:26:45