Begin the Begin

Listening to: REM - Life's Rich Pageant

Pretty Girls Make Graves were fun to see Monday night. The sound was shit, the lighting sucked, and I wasn't feeling well, but they played the songs I wanted to hear and they performed well. The first opening band, RazRez was fun. Glam-punk, I guess they are. I don't remember when's the last time I saw white jeans as tight as that on a man. Probably 1987. We skipped the second band, some sort of “hardcore” or screamo or whinecore that we weren't in the mood for, in order to sit on a stoop outside and talk about existentialism. I've been reading about it again, so of course have been talking about it excessively. I like going to shows with P, he said it makes it weird though because when we see shows together, the show becomes secondary to our conversations.

I've been working hard and just got the new version of the site basically finished. There's more to add but there will probably always be more to add. And change. I feel a little bit of relief about it today, like I've reached a point I can feel like I've accomplished something. He's really happy with it too.

I'm not sure if I want to continue working very much for him, other than the website stuff. I don't know if I want to be his artist's assistant or personal assistant or PR person and all that. I'm not sure for a few reasons, but mainly because I feel like I need a change. Maybe move, I keep thinking about that, but don't really want to. Still getting rid of things and preparing because it's inevitable.

I had to go back to the doctor Tuesday and have to go again Friday. I've been in pain for over two weeks now. I took Vicodin for a few days but it just gave me headaches. They changed it to Codeine, which gave me a near death experience two nights ago. I stopped taking the stuff so had a withdrawal headache all yesterday and I'm feeling a lot better today anyway. I can't wait until this is over, it's become epic.

I don't know what's going on with R in my life. The past few weeks have been really great. He's begun to act like a boyfriend would act, we've been seeing each other more regularly and he's been calling to say goodnight or that he was thinking of me and things like that. Very sweet things, but still without a sense of certainty and commitment. The last word about “us” was when he said, “don't get attached”, but that was six weeks ago. We've talked a lot about relationships, in general, and past ones, but not about ours. It's not something I have trouble talking to people about, and it's not hard for me to ask questions, even about sensitive and personal things, but I'm trying something different here.

I'm trying to let things happen without forcing and without expecting. It would be nice to have a label I could put on our relationship and to know where it's headed. Sometimes my mind really wants to know those things. But I don't think knowing them would accomplish anything and maybe it would even have a negative effect because I'd then just see the relationship through the narrow view of that label down the path of those expectations.

I worry a little that he's leading me on or keeping me on standby while he continues to try to get things going with Histrionic Girl or someone else. Or is using me to make her jealous, which I know it does, even though her only interest in him is maintaining the attention he gives her.

I'm not worried about it. I feel pretty relaxed in just enjoying it, whatever it is. I feel fairly comfortable in knowing that I have a certain destiny, and if it's not going to include R, it will be someone else and I'm in no hurry. To hurry is to die.

Posted by Ari at 14:49:47