A Flower Blooms In Reverse

Listening to: Laura Veirs – Carbon Glacier

I’ve been writing in my pen & ink journal. My blank book allows for more creativity. My server has problems running Movable Type, so posting is a pain. But, I occasionally miss bogging so maybe I’ll start this up again.

I’ve been working various temp jobs through an agency, in addition to various contracting jobs. I like the inconsistency and instability. I like the lack of attachment. Right now I'm being paid by the taxpayers and there is an amazing amount of bureaucracy and waste.

I was brought in for an administrative position, but have fallen into design work: mainly moving crappy looking documents from Excel to InDesign and overseeing the web designer. It's nice not having to do the web site coding myself. I got so fed up with that.

Thursday I go to Berkeley for a two day meeting, staying overnight there and getting lots of overtime... on the taxpayer's dollar, of course!

They want to hire me on permanent but have problems with the hefty fee they'd have to pay the temp agency. I'm fine with whatever happens, as long as I can continue to have my flexibility and reduced hours. I'm not into devoting my existence to something so convoluted and far from what keeps me alive. I have to remember I'm still working for myself, no matter where the paycheck comes from.

I've been going to cranio-sacral. Maybe I'll write more about that sometime.

This video makes a good point: Why Bush's NSA Wire Tapping is Defeated by VoIP Networks.

Ari stumbled at 16:26:03

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Did You See the Words

Listening to: Animal Collective - Feels

Friday night I went to SF to pick up D and attend a private movie premier. It was at the new Lucas Arts center theater in the Presidio and the film's producer and executive producer (also the owner of D's company) were there, the producer giving an introduction. Thank You for Smoking, opens in theaters this weekend and I recommend seeing it: it was well written, had good acting, and was pretty damn funny.

The rest of the weekend was spent cleaning the house with D. We're consolidating his office into mine so that R can rent the room. He's already started to move his stuff in.

I was back at work last week, but took today off to deal with stuff - including dealing with my feelings. I need to be sure this is the right move for everyone involved.

Ari stumbled at 11:54:36

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Sick But Getting Better

I've had three colds in the past month, this one has been the worst: runny nose, stuffy head, tired but can't sleep well. I'm feeling better but asked for the entire week off to recover. I don't think I've been giving myself enough time for that. Or for me in general.

The past two nights I've woken up around 3:30am and couldn't get back to sleep. I've been reading a lot of non-fiction: Pronoia, Song of the Avadhut, The Ethical Slut, among others.

Especially good for me is Pronoia...

I've been trying to think that way for years, but it's difficult to break through countless generations of cynical family patterns.

It's written by Rob Brezsny, the only astrologer I'll ever listen to.

R's car was broken for a couple weeks. I spent a lot of time driving him around and he often has to be places for work at 5am. Other than the time it took away from doing other things, it was fun. He's usually pretty fun to be around.

D and I went out with Joan and her husband. She's the girl I met last summer after she contacted me through myspace. I've hung out with her a few times now. I love being around girls I can feel girly and creative with. If I ever get well enough, I want to have some girls over for arts and crafts. Since Joan has to take immune-suppressant meds (for heart/lung transplant), being around her while I'm not 100% well is out of the question.

Ari stumbled at 13:46:30

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Getting Warmer

The weather has been beautiful for a few days. I worked outside today. My boss had some bigass gutters made of galvanized steel for his barn. I cleaned and etched them with vinegar then painted them with primer. We haven't decided yet what color to paint them because we still have to choose the color of the metal roof he's going to buy. It will probably be a copperish color or blue.

Other than work, I've been keeping myself busy with projects and I've studying mycology. I'm impressed by how much more information there is now than there was when I first got interested over ten years ago. I feel like I'm about to complete something that's been left for far too long. I'm learning from a great book and the internet but there is a class I'm considering taking on how to integrate mushrooms into a garden using permacultural principles.

R and I went up to Potter Valley on Saturday, stopping first in Boonville to pick up free seeds at a sort of permaculture swap-meet, and then in Ukiah to get a grass-feed beef hamburger at the brewery and say hi to our friend. We visited with my family a little bit, then loaded my futon mattress in the trunk and came home.

Ari stumbled at 19:05:17

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Tripping

D had a date last night that went very well. As I was going to bed last night, I knew it was going good for him since he hadn't called me like he said he would or gone back online. I was a little worried about being alone last night, in case I would trip out about it, but I was alone and was perfectly fine.

I didn't feel weird about it until I talked to him when he called this morning and then I knew for sure how the evening turned out, but I was having a bad day for other reasons. Like, I was freezing my ass off at work because the power was out.

D's really busy at work and talking about not coming home this weekend or coming home for a shorter duration. He wants me to go there, but what am I going to do while it's raining out and he's working. I'm still in hibernation mode.

I was also tripping because I had a dream last night about Tristan. I've had several dreams about him in the past few weeks so have been thinking about him a lot. Last night he was having a solo art exhibit at a gallery/bookstore/library. His art was cartoony illustrations of scary/cute monsters. They had a book of his drawings that I looked through and purchased. He and I got a chance to talk a little and I realized how much I miss him and still love him.

The last dream of him that I remember was a couple weeks ago and I dreamt I was at a party at someone's house. I went outside to smoke a cigarette (I haven't smoked a cigarette for about 7 years) and Tristan walked up. We talked only briefly and it was pretty obvious that he still hadn't forgiven me.

I really want to see him.

I also want D to come home this weekend and I want R to come over right now. I'm hungry.

Ari stumbled at 18:15:09

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This Heart's On Fire

Listening to: Wolf Parade - Apologies to the Queen Mary

I have a cold so stayed home from work today. I've been fighting this cold for a week now but my body is loosing. My mind isn't. My throat is sore and I have a low fever but I can't just sit around and be sick. I just washed the bedroom windows, even climbed out on the roof to get the outside. The sun is out and the shingles were hot on my bare feet. Before that, I organized my teas. I haven't even eaten breakfast yet. Last night I made an enormous pot of vegetable barley soup flavored with miso, I dusted and vacuumed my bedroom, changed the sheets, and started the process of cleaning out the closet in D's office. Cleaning his closet is my way of procrastinating cleaning out my office closet.

You could also look at that symbolically.

Though last week I cleaned my bedroom walk-in closet, the linen closet and hall closet... consolidating stuff and making a huge amount of free space. There are mountains of clothing, magazines, and other things in my office, and his, that are to be gotten rid of. I have a couple more stacks of CDs and books to sell. There is so much to get rid of that when I'm done there should be enough room to consolidate D's office and mine, if we want, and have a spare room to rent out. I'm just not sure if I want to do that because I'm extremely picky about living with people. I could use the money, but I've been working enough to not need to depend on it.

I've been enjoying the job I've been doing. Still doing miscellaneous things for the same guy. I've been pushing away other clients. Yesterday I was offered $20 an hour to tutor someone in web-design software I've never used. I'm sure I could figure it out in a half hour or less but I'd hate it. I'm so sick of the web. If it was Photoshop they wanted to learn, I'd do it, though I'd probably charge more.

I've been getting paid to record old vinyl and convert it to MP3. How chill is that.

I haven't been extremely social the past couple weeks. I did go up to Ukiah for a party at the brewery but since then I've just been working and doing stuff around the house, like I fixed the dryer by ordering a part... the door seal was missing and it took me a year to realize it. I tried to fix the stove... two of the burners only work intermittently. I figured out what's wrong (they wiggle too much) but don't know how to fix it

Oh, and of course I've been hanging out with my boys. I'm so impressed by the way they're able to “share” me. Very respectful and sweet. It's not perfect, but my life is so good.

Ari stumbled at 10:40:59

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Happy 2006

It's a new year and I sure let the last one dwindle off to a quiet close. I'm still bored with the internet. D and I had last week off and I don't know where the time went. He's leaving tonight for another ten days of work. I go back to work tomorrow.

On New Years Eve a few people came over and we were going to crash D's friend's party but ended up staying here. D's friend is apparently mad at him now. He didn't answer when D called him yesterday, but messaged him back with “I have no interest in talking to you”. I'm amazed at the childishness.

The unspoken conditions of friendship are confusing mysteries to me. Which I guess is why unconditional love is actually so much simpler. And that is why I don't bother much with people I don't care enough about to love unconditionally.

For a few reasons this year has gotten off on a slightly low swing. To combat that, I work on catching up and making improvements to things I actually have control over. This morning I worked on getting caught up with email (but I'm still behind) then went to the hardware store for a new dimmer switch. It annoyed me that the dimmer switch in the dining room (which we use as an extended living room since the kitchen nook is plenty big enough) never dimmed. Since we've been here, it's just clicked off and on. I asked a client about it and he said it probably just needed a new switch. I got a nicer switch with a slider for brightness and an off/on switch then came home and installed it. It feels good to fix things.

Christmas was spent up in Potter Valley with my family, but I had a few friends and family over here for Christmas Eve. In all it's been a very nice and fun Holiday Season for me.

Ari stumbled at 15:52:31

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A Little Break from Work

The hot water heater in this condo turns 10 years old today and is feeling it. On Monday, my cute plumber, R, helped me drain the thing but that didn't help, it still seems to hold only half of what it should be holding.

I tried to sleep at his house again last night but couldn't sleep so came home at one in the morning. This time I told him I was leaving even though I had to wake him up. Last time, I snuck out without waking him and he had a bad dream about me in which he was angry at me and chasing me around.

It feels like D has been gone forever. He's been working 10 days on, 4 days off and it's brutal for both of us. We both have next week off completely.

Last Tuesday night I went down to the city for his work holiday party. It was pretty fun, but weird since he's been involved in a little work drama. He has a crush on a co-worker who had an almost fling with another co-worker but she has a crush on the girlfriend of a third co-worker.... She seemed to avoid D until I stepped out of the room.

The drinks were double strength and there wasn't enough food, even standing by the kitchen door where the hors orderves were carried out from, so I got a good buzz on.

Saturday, R and I drove up to Ukiah to my littlest sister's holiday party. The food was decent but not very satisfying. The wine was good and so was the band. We all ended up dancing like the retards we usually pretend not to be. We crashed at John's house and went to John's friends' house in the morning for a feast of a brunch he made: sangria, fresh squeezed orange juice, crepes suzette, potatoes, and eggs florentine.

It was weird getting buzzed before noon and meeting so many new people.

It makes me feel better about wanting to move up there, knowing there are people who I could probably relate to.

But right now I really need to get back to work.

Ari stumbled at 14:58:45

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Break

I guess I'm taking a break here. Been busy working and socializing and hibernating. Hope you're having a good holiday season. <3

Ari stumbled at 13:54:22

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Mediator

I worked a lot last week. I actually managed to get 8 billable hours out of both Tuesday and Wednesday. That's billable hours, meaning time I'm actually working, not cooking or eating or on the phone with anyone (other than the one paying me). It doesn't include breaks or walking to the mailbox or checking email or checking to see what my cat is yelling about. It's not time that I spend distracted or thinking and looking out the window unless I'm thinking about something directly related to what I'm being paid to do.

It takes me a minimum of ten hours to work eight and often takes me as many as eleven or twelve. I'm actually pretty good at time tracking. I'm actually very honest about my time and if anything, I estimate in the client's favor. Especially my main client because I appreciate the regular work so much and the fair pay I get from him.

But it can be weird. Thursday I worked at his house, helping him with some random things like turning his answering machine back on because he somehow turned it off and can't figure the thing out. I helped him put photos of him on his yahoo personal profile. I spent much of the day helping him re-arrange his office, disconnecting all the computer stuff and re-connecting it after the move. Then, I spent the last hour mediating an argument between him and his live-in renter/worker.

She's doing many of the things he's tried to get me to do but I've ignored or avoided.... Living there, for one thing, he was trying to rent part of his house to me. She's paying his bills, and even cooking and cleaning for him.

I'm so fucking happy I didn't let myself get sucked into all that work. I'm smart for keeping at just doing the website, computer, and technical stuff.

But mediation between two people with terrible communication skills? How did I get that job?

They both like to talk for a long time and interrupt others but neither likes to be interrupted. It was horrible. It came to them yelling. I think she may have cried. He used me as an example several times of how she should be. I was stuck in the middle, but instead of taking sides, instead of taking anything personally or getting involved, I stood there patiently as long as possible and then said a few honest things about both of them. I said some things about how I have managed to work for the guy for so long. I think I saved her job since he was ready to fire her, and they began to communicate like adults.

He's in his 50's and she in her 40's... both are Buddhists/Hindus, do yoga and meditate but I rarely see so much ego and impatience. It really made me feel like I've come a long way in recent years. Me, and the people I like to surround myself with.

But I owe part of that to working for him. He's been a great lesson in Zen: surrendering myself to the job and the insane demands of the boss and enjoying it peacefully. I'm paid hourly, so couldn't care less. It was difficult to let go of my personal need for control, my ego that says I know better and don't need to be micromanaged, my impatience, and distaste for working with someone so insane. But I've worked for a lot of people and they've all been insane, egotistical, freaks. I rather be micromanaged and accomplish something cool than to be let loose into the machine and feel directionless and pointless.

He actually doesn't micromanage me anymore and we have a good relationship. He fed me lunch Thursday and we sat in papasan chairs, eating kichari, watching the rain and the wind beat the bamboo growing in his backyard. We talked sometimes or just sat quietly and then got back to work.

I have to work at his house again tomorrow.

Ari stumbled at 22:34:03

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Thanksgiving Weekend

Listening to: Cat Power - The Greatest (My sister says this album reminds her of old Cowboy Junkies and I have to agree. It's very good. Chan Marshall sounds matured... and less drunk and angry.)

Thanksgiving was good but strange. I made mushroom rice pilaf, baked kabocha squash, and cranberry sauce. We went to my older brother's house in Petaluma where there's a dining room large enough to contain my family. My dad hurt his back so didn't go. Our (adopted) aunt Pat hasn't been coming for a couple years. I always miss my grandparents and my older sister's dead husband. I missed R. The dinner felt incomplete though it was fun because I think it was the first Thanksgiving we've had wine. White wine and Rubarb wine, a Whidbey Thanksgiving tradition, from the winery on Whidbey Island. I wasn't in the mood for desert and the kids can be too much for me at times.

I had plans to kidnap my littlest sister to work on dada poetry or other creative things that night. I've been feeling crafty (and being crafty) a lot the past couple weeks, so couldn't wait to get home with someone to play with.

I called R before we ate to wish him a happy Thanksgiving and offered to have him over after we were both done with our dinner things. He was home helping get a dinner together for his housemates and a couple of his housemate's family and he was home comforting a sad HG. I know how difficult holidays can be for people sometimes so was happy that he was there for her.

That evening, the four of us played with words and phrases I cut out of a stack of local indie-newspapers and painted with a stencil I cut out of a dragon. D played I Heart Katamari and we had fun talking until we all went to sleep.

R still won't sleep in my bed while D is home. I don't really expect him to, but always offer because I like sleeping in-between two boys. Instead, he slept on my office floor and my littlest sis got the couch.

The next morning I made banana pancakes and we took some medicine that made us happy and communicative for the next twelve-plus hours. I was actually still feeling the lingering effects for the next couple days. It was a great experience and I think we all learned things we could take with us.

Saturday morning we all went to breakfast, came back home, and watched I Heart Huckabees. Sis on the couch, D (not watching) stayed in his office on his computer, and me and R snuggling on the floor in front of the couch. I dozed off some of the time while laying on the floor and for awhile I was sitting in front of him, his hands grasping my wrists crossed in front of me like I was his captive. After the mid-day movie, R went home and D and I drove littlest sis home to Potter Valley.

Ari stumbled at 17:18:44

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Long Weekends

D didn't come home this weekend, he stayed in SF to work and finish something that's turning out to not get finished anyway. He'll be home this evening. The deal was that he work over the weekend, then get six days off for Thanksgiving weekend.

Last Thursday night I went to R's house. We bought groceries and cooked dinner, hung out with his housemates and some guy. I spent the night. It was the first time I slept there. I hardly slept at all. I'm not used to being in strange beds. After R got up early for work, I came home and got a couple hours solid sleep. That night, Friday, P visited and we got a chance to talk quite a bit about personal things. We were going to watch a movie, but talking in front of the fire was more fun. R came over later and slept here so we could leave together in the morning.

Saturday, R drove me up to Potter Valley to visit my parents and then to Ukiah to wander around for a few hours on an experimental drug and wait for our friend John to get off work. We got the keys to his house where we went after getting too cold to be outside and too tripped out to be at the brewery. We talked, the drug was pretty good for that. Otherwise, it was very mild and mediocre. Other than a few sudden shifts in perspective and space when it first came on while we hung out in a playground, it was not much of a psychedelic, not much of anything. I think it would be more interesting with a higher dose.

When John got home from work he gave us beer and invited his new girlfriend over. She's tall and pretty. Very pretty, an actress, and she knows how to use her eyes to seduce men. It was fun to watch. She didn't say much, but her smile and eyes said, “I'm cute and I know it and I want you all to love me”. Who could say no?

She and John went to her house and R and I crashed there. In the morning, John returned with his girlfriend to cook us a delicious healthy breakfast. Then we went to the brewery to load the back of R's truck with 5 gallon containers of used organic soybean oil to fuel his van.

We drove east through Boonville to the coast, then down beautiful Highway 1 to get home. It's the long way and took us all day since we were drinking water laced with piper methysticum (Kava Kava) extract and we stopped a few times. First for lunch in Boonville, then to see the lighthouse in Point Arena where we climbed the 145 steps to the top and got a little lighthouse history from a museum employee.

We stopped in Salt Point and hiked down to the beach, me carrying my camera equipment and R carrying my portable Underwood typewriter. I got a few shots of the thing and some amazing rocks but I wasn't feeling inspired since it's not what I've been envisioning for the project. I was enjoying photographing him much more and I think that's the way it's been for me recently. I'm bored with inanimate objects. I want people in my photos.

We stopped at the Indian restaurant in Jenner for dinner and he brought me home, but then we decided to play miniature golf. Golf was closed so we spent a few minutes checking out the arcade games instead before he dropped me off at home.

Monday I tried to catch up on work but worked on other personal creative projects instead (that's pretty much the story of my work week so far since I still can not focus at all). R called that evening to invite me to a dinner that HG (Histrionic Girl) was cooking.

I almost didn't go because I was stressed about work and feeling like I was spending much too much time with R. He talked me into it, saying it was too late to worry about getting too attached. Dinner was good and then everyone went to the living room to bang on drums along with a guy who played guitar. I'm not a drummer and I'm not able to be musical around people, so I pretty much just watched.

After being around HG a few times now, I actually really like her. The five guys who were feeding me negative information about her for the past several months are pussies for making her out to be some kind of monster. I'm disappointed in their view of me, fearing for me, as if they think I'm so weak that meeting her would be detrimental to my emotional survival. She's actually pretty nice, smart, and cool. She's just a young girl with some problems. Big deal.

Ari stumbled at 10:48:59

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Eternity

I'm having a hard time concentrating on work. The more work I have to do the harder it is to focus. I've already done work for three different people this week but feel like I haven't gotten anything done because of the incompleteness of it all.

Last night I made quesadillas with a friend. We made them fresh with masa (corn flour), pressed with a wooden tortilla press, filled with queso (cheese) and deep fried. Apparently quesadillas are traditionally fried in lots of oil. The fresh salsa we made caught my lips on fire.

We went over her terrible digital wedding photos to pick out what she wants to have corrected and printed but then her computer wouldn't burn a CD so I couldn't bring them home to work on them.

I have a couple ideas for the literary cover photo project but I either need a model or an assistant (in the case that I act as model). I'm not sure if I want a person in the photo, especially me, but I want to take some with a person and some without and then decide or let my sister (the graphic designer on the project) decide.

Rather than the PR thing, I did some pretty cool JavaScript this week, though I'm stuck on a little problem with it that I know D could solve in about five minutes so need to wait for his help this weekend. I'm supposed to be writing a FAQ page for bosses site. It was my idea and I had plenty of questions in mind when I suggested it last week. But now I'm just confused.

I don't like looking at my computer these days, which is why I write here so infrequently. I work for an hour or so and it'll feel like five and I'll have to take a break.

People say that when you keep yourself busy, time will fly by, but it's not like that for me. The more I do, whether or not they are things I enjoy doing, the longer time takes. Sometimes I feel like I've lived a week within a single day. I don't mean a frantic, stressed out day filled with way too much busy stuff, but me just doing one thing then another for eternity.

Maybe that's the problem: I've recovered from my addiction to self-inflicted stress, panic, and anxiety and now I'm like the recovered junky who feels something missing and the endless time drags painfully on.

The more I do the longer time feels like an eternity. The moments I spend not doing anything go by much faster because in those moments I'm outside of time.

Ari stumbled at 11:28:30

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Full

I had a good afternoon with R. He's still acting like my boyfriend. Even more now. I'm not complaining, I like him even more.

We did talk about our relationship finally last week. I had to bring some things up because I couldn't help it. It's just as I thought, both of us practicing non-attachment, letting things happen.

I drove D to the bus, then did errands and some extra side work this morning. I'm supposed to get another bit of extra work tomorrow night at dinner: fixing up a friend's digital wedding photos. I've been putting CDs up on eBay and I think I'm supposed to put together some sort of PR package for my regular boss this week. I was offered an opportunity to have photos published but I have to figure out what to shoot for the cover of the literary publication. So I should have a full week.

This afternoon I picked R up when he got back from a weekend visit with his mom in Fresno. We went to lunch at Mexican, walked around, went to his house, took a nap, and went to dinner at Himalayan.

Some weird search requests from today:

do you hate your friends?
My Sexy Leg
P.S. I've Taken a Lover
How to get the elderly to move out of your home

Ari stumbled at 20:51:52

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Books to Film

The other evening I finally updated my book list. And speaking of books, Bee Season, an excellent book I read several years ago, just came out as a movie staring Richard Gere and Juliette Binoche. I can't wait until it actually shows in a theater around here.

Also, the most recent novel I've read, The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger (which took me months to read, though it was amazing) is in production as a movie directed by Gus Van Sant (Drugstore Cowboy, My Own Private Idaho, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues) but isn't scheduled to release until next year.

Writer Neil Gaiman, who's birthday was yesterday, the same as my father's, has three movies announced or in production for the next couple years. I better read Coraline next.

Ari stumbled at 11:25:23

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Exhausted

Saturday was my proxy birthday at my parents' house in Potter Valley. Everyone but my little bro was there. It was also for my dad's bday, which is actually tomorrow. Mine was Tuesday and I decided late Monday night that I would have people over for dinner.

I can never make plans for my birthday in advance. Several years I've taken off on solo road trips. That's usually when I live with housemates or family and don't get enough time alone. Fall makes me an extra-introvert and if I've been around people too much I'll take some time for myself. This year, I wasn't sure how I'd feel since I've been so tired and anti-social for the past month and since I've spent much of the past year alone. With D away most of the week I felt like I wanted to be around people. I knew that if I spent the day alone I'd end up depressed.

My sister invited me to dinner at her house and I accepted, but then in the morning of my birthday I called and told her dinner was going to be at my place and I would be making lasagna and inviting more people. I made two lasagnas with vegetables and ground buffalo, one with brown-rice noodles as a gluten-free option for my sister and me. I made a big salad and loaf of garlic bread. She brought P, their two kids, a couple presents, and some wheat and sugar free hello dollies.

I'm eating the semolina noodle lasagna right now and can't really tell the difference between them and the rice noodles.

Yesterday morning I invited several friends but only R and C were able to come in such sort notice. I think it turned out well. The food was good, my nephew was cute and fun to play with, and there wasn't so many people that I was overwhelmed. Though, I did get exhausted pretty early.

I met with my boss this morning for what ended up as a five hour meeting without a lunch break while he chain smoked. I left starving, thirsty, and with a headache. Talk about exhausting. Playing with children is but so is brainstorming with and talking notes for a crazy artist.

It trips me out that such a health-freak smokes. I can no longer believe that I was a smoker for about nine years. That was a different lifetime.

He's been paying me with personal checks. It's not quite the same thing as a pocket full of cash, but still better than getting a real job.

Ari stumbled at 16:43:09

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Begin the Begin

Listening to: REM - Life's Rich Pageant

Pretty Girls Make Graves were fun to see Monday night. The sound was shit, the lighting sucked, and I wasn't feeling well, but they played the songs I wanted to hear and they performed well. The first opening band, RazRez was fun. Glam-punk, I guess they are. I don't remember when's the last time I saw white jeans as tight as that on a man. Probably 1987. We skipped the second band, some sort of “hardcore” or screamo or whinecore that we weren't in the mood for, in order to sit on a stoop outside and talk about existentialism. I've been reading about it again, so of course have been talking about it excessively. I like going to shows with P, he said it makes it weird though because when we see shows together, the show becomes secondary to our conversations.

I've been working hard and just got the new version of the site basically finished. There's more to add but there will probably always be more to add. And change. I feel a little bit of relief about it today, like I've reached a point I can feel like I've accomplished something. He's really happy with it too.

I'm not sure if I want to continue working very much for him, other than the website stuff. I don't know if I want to be his artist's assistant or personal assistant or PR person and all that. I'm not sure for a few reasons, but mainly because I feel like I need a change. Maybe move, I keep thinking about that, but don't really want to. Still getting rid of things and preparing because it's inevitable.

I had to go back to the doctor Tuesday and have to go again Friday. I've been in pain for over two weeks now. I took Vicodin for a few days but it just gave me headaches. They changed it to Codeine, which gave me a near death experience two nights ago. I stopped taking the stuff so had a withdrawal headache all yesterday and I'm feeling a lot better today anyway. I can't wait until this is over, it's become epic.

I don't know what's going on with R in my life. The past few weeks have been really great. He's begun to act like a boyfriend would act, we've been seeing each other more regularly and he's been calling to say goodnight or that he was thinking of me and things like that. Very sweet things, but still without a sense of certainty and commitment. The last word about “us” was when he said, “don't get attached”, but that was six weeks ago. We've talked a lot about relationships, in general, and past ones, but not about ours. It's not something I have trouble talking to people about, and it's not hard for me to ask questions, even about sensitive and personal things, but I'm trying something different here.

I'm trying to let things happen without forcing and without expecting. It would be nice to have a label I could put on our relationship and to know where it's headed. Sometimes my mind really wants to know those things. But I don't think knowing them would accomplish anything and maybe it would even have a negative effect because I'd then just see the relationship through the narrow view of that label down the path of those expectations.

I worry a little that he's leading me on or keeping me on standby while he continues to try to get things going with Histrionic Girl or someone else. Or is using me to make her jealous, which I know it does, even though her only interest in him is maintaining the attention he gives her.

I'm not worried about it. I feel pretty relaxed in just enjoying it, whatever it is. I feel fairly comfortable in knowing that I have a certain destiny, and if it's not going to include R, it will be someone else and I'm in no hurry. To hurry is to die.

Ari stumbled at 14:49:47

Crutches: (1)

Death and Renewal

Yesterday was brutal. I threw up violently soon after taking the medication and worried it hadn't had a chance to absorb. I bled so much I got scared. I cramped and took some of the Hydrocodone prescribed to me but not too much. I didn't want to numb myself so much I couldn't tell what my body was doing.

Today I'm feeling amazingly better and have energy again. D and I went to breakfast in Petaluma, then for a drive in the country, taking the back roads to my favorite bakery for a sticky cinnamon bun and (decaf) mocha.

Now I'm kicking ass cleaning house while D plays Shenmue on the Dreamcast. He did help a bit and deserves to relax after taking care of me last night. In order for him to come home early yesterday he stayed up at work all Thursday night without sleeping. He's crazy.

Today he helped me with the gross part: cleaning out the storage closet which has a mouse living in it. Do mice eat snails? Because the floor was covered in snail shells and mouse poop. The mouse ate the almond butter off the trap without getting dead. D adjusted the trap for more sensitivity so maybe it will work now. I saw the mouse one night, scurrying under the storage closet door as I was coming home. Who knows how long it would have taken me to figure out it's in there if I hadn't seen that streak of white fly from under the passion flower vines to under the door. I wonder if it's someone's escaped pet.

I'm moving things around and cleaning out stuff I haven't touched for awhile. I came across a humming-bird feeder I haven't used for years, filled it and hung it outside the window over the sage bush they love so much. I took down the robin nest from last spring.

Today was a nice day, the damp air from the past couple days of rain reminded me of the air in Whidbey Island. Refreshing.

Ari stumbled at 18:26:29

Crutches: (0)